Philosophy vs. Rules

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Installment #36

Preview: Chapter 5 cont'd:Philosophy vs. Rules

Ode to Teenage Angst
I woke up one day
and all that I had known and felt comfortable with, was suddenly odd, and tight and itchy.
I had to stretch out my arms and feel around, stumbling and tripping for my body felt strange.

Confused and hurt, then angry, then sad I looked in the mirror and what I saw was a mess!

And why on earth can't they understand what I'm trying to say or how I feel!!

And speaking of how I feel, I hate my classes– I don't want to go to the dance, no one likes me,

and yeah, Jamie gets better grades, but his parents do all the work, and Suzie cheats!!

And while we're at it, my dad thinks I'm lazy, and my mom treats me like I'm still a baby!

And they're fighting a lot, and maybe they won't be together, and my kid brother's already bigger than I am,

and my older sister doesn't want me around,

and what happened to my body!

And we've moved and I don't know how to make new friends,

and what if they do drugs, or alcohol, and have parties where they "hook-up"

and I need an excuse not to go, but I want to go and how come my parents don't trust me!

and I wish my parents would not push as hard about sports and grades,

and why can't I have more privacy... and why can't they understand that even when I don't want to talk or explain

that I really don't know how to cope, and I need them-

I need them a lot-to be around-to be around, a lot!

So many conflicting feelings I could not balance, so many thoughts I could not share so many fears I could not express.
Welcome to this age when nothing would ever be the same,
when friends would come and go like the wind and feelings would blow swift and deep and wreck havoc,

and never ever, would I think, end.
It took so long to realize that, in fact, it was so short, and once survived,
would never return, ever.

Updated 2009

H20 to Go! Copyright, 2004
By Margo Judge

All rights reserved.
All material on this website protected.
Permission granted for reprinting with
Attribution to Margo@MomOpinion Matters (TM)

Installment #37

Chapter 5 Cont'd: Trips, Stumbles & Falls

Philosophy vs. Rules

At this point in H20 to Go! our kids are entering teenagehood. Lots of things will be coming at them. Lots of ‘them’ will be coming at us. They will test what we think and feel. We will man our stations. They will rally against and oppose what we think or feel, if for no other reason than to try to define who they are. The easiest way for them to declare their independence is to divorce our view. But, if we are unsure of or ambivalent about our viewpoint then they have nothing against which to do battle inside themselves. They will have no other voice countering their impulses.

Those impulses are extremely immature in nature and highly vulnerable to outside forces and influences. So, our teens need backup and reinforcement--not from their peers.,not from strangers but from us. We have to have a strong philosophy of life, behavior and ethics ready to take up positions to support and sometimes, stop them. Think Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee--one of the greatest father figures in literature (and a single father to boot!) Think how he handled both Scout and her brother Jem's confusions, angers and fears. Every night, with Scout on his lap and Jem nearby, he shared a philosophy filled with compassion, strength and wisdom. The extraordinary affect of Atticus' character was his unwavering belief system of justice and principles that not only emanated from him to his children, but to his neighbors, his work, his adversaries, and his community. It was all encompassing.

That is what we want our children to see—that the empathy and values we ask of them, we ask of ourselves, and show to our loved ones, our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our adversaries, and society at large. Our children are part of a larger whole. They are connected to family, and community and their behavior affects and contributes to that family and community. Teenagehood is the pivotal stage in understanding the meaning of belonging to a wider circle and in growing the emotional resilience necessary to handle a broader environment. Having some responsibility for and connection to others not only grounds kids, it actually grows emotional strength. Kids who feel alone and solitary, who are disconnected or disenfranchized also feel helpless and powerless. They do not believe that society can offer a support system, nor do they feel they have anything to offer others, and since they have no place to turn with their fears and confusions, they turn inward. And when they turn inward they are actually turning on themselves. They fall victim to negativity because there is no other force with which to counter it.

If our kids are going to have the strength to stay a positive course and believe that they can work through conflicts and dilemmas, and/or crises, they will have to be supported by our strength of character and conviction. They absolutely cannot go this most difficult part of their journey without a guidance. And that guidance must come in the form of an older, wiser mentor.

Handholding might be over, but having wise eyes has never been more vital. We want to help our teens see for themselves why negative behavior will not make them emotionally healthy or strong, or bring them any kind of happiness; understand why ignoring their own good instincts in order to feel wanted or accepted means giving up their power; realize why taking responsibility is a prerequisite for acquiring independence; and why testing and experimenting have boundaries, dangers and consequences.

Most of our kids will get through their teenage years with the normal angst and traditional push-backs. Others will have more difficult issues to confront-drugs, alcohol, sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy, behavioral disorders, and depression.

I do not believe with all my heart and soul, that in most cases, this need be so. As transparent as most teens are about showing their feelings, there are so any things they simply do not talk about. But while they might not talk to us, it is so important we talk with them. Know what their world is all about and ask them about it--talk about videos, movies, music, politics, social issues-any or all things relevant to their sphere, and most importantly all things of which they are a part. That way they can gain Perspective, put themselves into a larger context, and see their thoughts as part of the bigger picture. We are not prying into their inner sanctum or invading their cherished privacy, we are interested in how they think, and view the world. We are opening a window for them to look out from on the road to Optimism.

There are many opportunities to ask our teens about a whole host of issues--while watching TV, surfing the web, reading the newspapers, or listening to the radio. Watch some music videos. Ask them what their favorite music video? Why? Listen to music with your teen, in the car and ask why they think a song is good? Go onto the Internet and find material about sex and drugs and ask your teen what he/she thinks about sex education, and getting high? Instead of wondering or asking if your teenage daughter is having sex, ask her what she thinks about hooking up or sexting? Ask her how she would feel if she got a sexually transmitted disease? What would she do if she got pregnant? What does she think she needs to be or have to be a good mother? What would your son do if he got a girl pregnant? Got addicted to drugs? How do they feel about legalizing marijuana? Why? How do they feel about kids who drink at school? Cheating on a test? Lots and lots of ‘what do you think? What would you do? How do you feel about that?

I have always believed that their natural environment is our children’s greatest classroom. We do not need a lot of money, or high tech learning tools to teach kids about things. When they are very little, a simple walk around the neighborhood, or a trip to the supermarket, can offer a wealth of information about how things work and grow. When they are older, sharing pictures and stories in books or on the Internet of far away places and different cultures. When they are yet older, their own social world, pop culture, news stories and movies are excellent ways of opening up discussion and imparting perspective.

I will go into more what-ifs, in a later chapter. For now, our kids are just entering their all too aware, yet clueless stage—my parents are real people. The world sucks sometimes. Nothing will happen. I'll be fine! So, we can start asking lots of non-intrusive questions, even in reference to the email I received and posted. My 14 yr old Wants Birth Control! Would you give your 14-year-old birth control pills? Why or why not? Put them in the position of being a future parent.

The power of asking these philosophical questions is that our kids get the opportunity to be philosophical, explain an idea, or defend a position. Philosophical discussions will make them much better thinkers and writers. See Making kids Better Writers & Thinkers And most importantly, such talks not only show that we are truly interested in what they have to say, but also allow them an opportunity to hear themselves think out loud and share their opinionated selves with us without feeling defensive. Meanwhile, in a very subtle way, we get to offer facts and perspective, as well as values and principles-and trust me-they will digest it all. It will go into their computer.

The heart of my H20 to Go! theory is to place in the hands of our kids as much opportunity to think themselves through as possible-that is how they grow confidence, confidence develops emotional resilience, and emotional resilience builds emotional maturity. We can so this by asking our kids what they think. We listen and then offer our comments and thoughts. While it might appear that we are sharing, in reality, they are hearing our wisdom. Teens need our philosophy and they want our perspective even though they might not let on they agree with us at all! When, however, they turn 18, we will suddenly be amazed at how much they have not only absorbed, but also incorporated into their own thinking. Mark Twain was supposed to have said:
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Yes, that ahah moment will happen for your teen too! Promise!

And speaking of trips, stumbles and falls and philosophy vs rules-reading our teenage daughters the riot act about getting pregnant. This will be for all teenage girls. The Last Word: Dear Teen

Updated 2009