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H20: Install#2/Intro Part 1/Discarding Destructive & Abusive Relationships

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BOOK ON-LINE:                                                  

H20 TO GO!

Growing Emotional Resiliency & Navigating Through Childhood

with Heart, Humor & Optimism

By Margo Judge



H20: Book Installment #2 & 3

A Cautionary Tale:

I open the paper and I read of a mother, who endured nine years of her live-in boyfriend's beatings--her daughter, as of this writing, not yet graduated from high school, saw most of them occur with her own eyes.

The mother did, at one point, get a court order against him, and leave but, went back because finances were better, so she thought he'd be calmer, and she loved him and because he vowed not to hurt her-and, she believed him.  Soon, he was drunk again, violent again, and even with another court order to stay away from her, he still managed to break a endow, gain entrance to her home, shoot her in the face, and kill her.

Her daughter, who had lived for a while with her natural father, had gone back to live with her mom because she was so worried about her.  Her mother said, don't worry, I'm going to be fine and I will be here for you. Her daughter made her mother to promise that she would be there at her graduation.

But, her mother did not love her daughter enough to be there for her.  She was not, in the end, more concerned for her daughter's welfare.  She will not attend her daughter's upcoming graduation.  She is dead.  Dead, after 9 years of abuse.

First Parent Moment of Truth:

Abusive Relationships &

The Parent Code of Ethics

Before we can get on to Heart, Humor and Optimism, we need to have a very private, personal and honest conversation about this--tough love, so to speak, but necessary. So future, about to be, new or current moms- make sure you have time and privacy and let's talk honestly about the most crucial aspect of taking stock-choice of relationships, behavior and lifestyle.

We might be dating, live with, or be married to an abusive person. There may be all sorts of reasons. We were young and foolish and in love.  He was different at the beginning.  We need the financial security.  We were abused, ourselves.  We are afraid and/or have low self-esteem. But, dear friends, if we are already, or about to become mothers, we no longer decide for ourselves, alone.  We become two, a pair, bonded by a heart.  Where we go and how we conduct our lives will automatically involve and impact our baby.  And our personal choices will become our child’s given choices as well.  Think about that for a moment.  Think about your life right now-your choice of relationship, right now.  And then ask yourself—do you want your child in that life?  If you were your child, would you want to be in your life?

Once we become mothers, the true title of victim passes to our child.  It no longer belongs to us.  Our chills will automatically be involved and become the unwilling recipient of any and all destructive behavior we choose to continue.  Therefore, if we continue to make excuses for such choices, and refuse to seek professional help, then we, in effect, commit a moral crime.  Ultimately, we will be the ones responsible for bringing abuse and violence into our baby’s life and home.  And no matter how much we love our child, no matter how good a mother we may be in al other respects, we still remain guilty for failing to protect and ensure our child’s physical and emotional well being.

Here--the bottom line, dear friends...There is a Parent Code Of Ethics-


It makes no difference how loudly our emotions call, how intensely our passions flair, how much fun everyone has on a good day, how generous he is when he’s sober, how kind he is when he’s not in a rage, how engaged he is when he is not high, WE, AS MOTHERS, HAVE NO RIGHT TO SUBJECT OUR CHILDREN


Such a person should never be near our children because their behavior can never be trusted. Period!

Our number one responsibility, as a parent, is to safeguard our children- AT ALL COSTS! It is no longer about US, or how WE feel, OR, what WE can put up with and forgive. It is about our CHILDREN-what THEY see and what THEY experience...

If we brought them into the world, whether willingly, or unwillingly, and we chose to keep and raise them, then our moral responsibility is to raise them in the safest possible environment.

They should NEVER see violence at home.

They should NEVER experience abuse from anyone in the home.

They should NEVER live in fear in their own home.

If that means we have to choose between their welfare and a lover, a relationship, a marriage, our relatives, anyone–there is only one choice-always!!!



But he only hit me once, and besides, he would never harm the kids. Or, he flies off the handle sometimes, but only when the kids push him?  Or, Uncle Joe? Never! I just don't believe he would ever do that!

Yes, yes, yes!! Open your eyes! He will hit you again! And one day, he will hit the kids!  Yes, he will fly into a rage again, and be tired again and snap and lose control. Yes, Uncle Joe will, if given the chance, do something like that because he cannot control his sexual urges. Open your eyes!  Yes, being sober and straight are so nice, but they are intermissions, breaks, moments in time that will, in time, become less and less frequent because that is what addiction is all about>

Besides, even if our children stay out of the line of direct fire, they are still WITNESSES to the flames of violence, They are seeing their mothers, or siblings whom THEY LOVE attacked and abused.  They have to live in great fear, of a parent—the one person they should be able to love and trust. Such fear can be paralyzing, implanting memories that will impact their future lives, and perpetuate a continued pattern of victim and abuser behavior.

And please remember this, if nothing else--

WHEN IT COMES TO DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR-THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS STATUS QUO-It will either subside (with professional help and commitment) or get worse, but it will NOT remain as is!  That is a fatal misconception so many make.

Alcoholics cannot remain status quo.  If an alcoholic is not on the wagon, or a member of AA, ALCOHOLIC BEHAVIOR WILL CONTINUE AND ESCALATE!

Potentially violent individuals will not remain status quo. If such a person has not enrolled in anger management, or agreed to take medication, VIOLENT BEHAVIOR WILL CONTINUE AND ESCALATE!!

Sexual abusers can never remain status quo! If a predator is not kept away from kids altogether, SEXUALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR WILL CONTINUE AND ESCALATE!!

Addicts and substance abusers are incapable or remaining status quo.  Without serious commitment to help and rehabilitation, ADDICTION, by its very definition, REQUIRES MORE AND MORE SUBSTANCE TO ABUSE.

Before we make any choice in behavior, any change in relationship, any decision about lifestyle, we must first ask this question—HOW WILL THIS PERSON OR SITUATION IMPACT MY CHILD?  If the answer is-directly or indirectly-negatively?






We, as mothers should be the very first, and very last line of defense for our children.  Therefore, and I repeat this.  If we are going to keep and raise our children, then we must be prepared to fight, to risk hurt, to risk abandonment, to risk losing, to risk fear, to risk all, including our lives, to protect them.

Unfortunately, it is often far easier to love than to protect.  To protect means having the moral courage to make some very tough choices. But once we bring a little being into the world, we become morally obligated to protect its heart and to take an oath-






And, if we cannot, or are part of the problem-if it is we moms who are flying into uncontrollable rages, and exhibiting verbal or physical abuse towards our children, or because of addiction or depression, simply incapable of taking responsibility then it is up to father, grandparents, or other relatives, and/or friends, neighbors, to take this same oath and then an action! 

So, if we are neighbor, friend or family member truly disturbed by behavior we think we might, or we know is occurring in the home, we have a moral obligation to do everything in our power to report and/or try to stop it.  Maybe we will be responsible for the break-up of a family; maybe we cause much crying and hurt, disbelief and anger.  But more likely, and more importantly, we will be saving a child’s life.  We cannot say the dog ate our homework!  We might be truly scared.  And in that case, there are web sites and hotlines, and law enforcement devoted to guiding and giving us the needed tools and resources.  (See end of article)

More often, we who are directly involved, are simply ambivalent.  Our emotions tug and pull in the name of Love, We stay unwilling to take an action-always, with the misguided hope that if only things change, he/she will feel better, and not need to be angry, or depressed.  But, dear friends, that is, in the end, a selfish pipe dream, which we are put before the here-and-now reality in which our children live.  And we share a guilty verdict, for all the harm that will inevitably befall our children.

So, let those of us, who are, right now, in a destructive relationship, take a deep breath and honestly ask ourselves this simple question?

Is our choice of relationship safe for our children?  Not good or fun or financially necessary, but SAFE?

If the answer is- no, not really, then we know must make a change, now, immediately!!

Because if we do not, we are, in effect, a passive witness to, a willing enabler of, or an equal partner in the emotional and/or physical abuse of our children.

If we look towards our children, always, as beams of light, and ask ourselves always what is in their best interest, they will light our paths and give us direction. We will know what to do and we will make the right choices and decisions, always.

I will continue to believe that those of you, who need to, can make those right choices, and seek help.  I will applaud your courage and root you on.  Take good care, and God Bless your children.

Margo@MomOpinion Matters

 Book: H20 Installment#4/Intro Part 2/Collecting Memories,The Good Kind

Website and hot- lines-

Love Our Children USA (

is the leading national nonprofit that honors, respects, and protects children. As a voice for children, its mission is to break the cycle of violence against children.

1. National Hotline to report child abuse or suspected child abuse: 1-800-422-4453.

2. The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

Updated 2009

Copyright, 2004

By MomOpinion Matters (TM)

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Permission granted for reprinting with

Attribution to Margo@MomOpinion Matters (TM)

Next: Installment #4

Book: H20 Installment#4/Intro Part 2/Collecting Memories,The Good Kind!